Friday, 17 March 2017

Borderline Babble - Dissociation

As the title suggests, this is going to be a borderline-centric post in an attempt to document my symptoms and remind myself how I've been lately.

BPD is a ridiculously complex illness. So complex that one psychiatrist to the next will argue over what symptoms will truly make someone fit the diagnosis. One of the symptoms that is prominent for me is dissociation.

Dissociation covers a spectrum of experiences, from feeling like you're fading out to completely forgetting who you are and taking up a new identity. For me, it's mostly depersonalisation and derealisation with a touch of amnesia. That means I feel disconnected from myself, I feel like the world around me isn't real and I forget patches of my life.

The past few days I've been extremely disconnected from my emotions, becoming more robotic and unfeeling. When I'm so often on the emotional extremes, times like this is both a welcome break and an seemingly unending nightmare. Sunday and monday I was motivated, energetic and got SO much stuff done. Then Tuesday comes and inexplicably I'm flat. Completely monotone.

All I remember from Tuesday is doing my makeup at around 8:30pm because my sister asked how I do it. Wednesday all I remember is eating a meal from the chip shop that I regretted. I have more memory of yesterday, thanks to a traumatic phone call from the doctors leading to a huge anxiety attack, but thankfully I went to my mom's, though i can't remember much about what we did. I'm still stuck in this foggy funk today.

My brain literally feels foggy, part of the reason for writing this blog is an attempt to ground myself. The hours just tick by like minutes and I'm sat wondering how the hell time has gone so fast and what I've done. I feel like I'm greyed out. The best analogy I can think of is when you're working on a computer and inexplicably it just freezes. The screens still on, there's processes running in the background but other than that it's unresponsive and static.

This is just how I'm experiencing dissociation right now, in the past I've gone through other experiences.

I hope this passes soon, the fuzz in my head is horrible.




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