Friday, 17 March 2017

Borderline Babble - Dissociation

As the title suggests, this is going to be a borderline-centric post in an attempt to document my symptoms and remind myself how I've been lately.

BPD is a ridiculously complex illness. So complex that one psychiatrist to the next will argue over what symptoms will truly make someone fit the diagnosis. One of the symptoms that is prominent for me is dissociation.

Dissociation covers a spectrum of experiences, from feeling like you're fading out to completely forgetting who you are and taking up a new identity. For me, it's mostly depersonalisation and derealisation with a touch of amnesia. That means I feel disconnected from myself, I feel like the world around me isn't real and I forget patches of my life.

The past few days I've been extremely disconnected from my emotions, becoming more robotic and unfeeling. When I'm so often on the emotional extremes, times like this is both a welcome break and an seemingly unending nightmare. Sunday and monday I was motivated, energetic and got SO much stuff done. Then Tuesday comes and inexplicably I'm flat. Completely monotone.

All I remember from Tuesday is doing my makeup at around 8:30pm because my sister asked how I do it. Wednesday all I remember is eating a meal from the chip shop that I regretted. I have more memory of yesterday, thanks to a traumatic phone call from the doctors leading to a huge anxiety attack, but thankfully I went to my mom's, though i can't remember much about what we did. I'm still stuck in this foggy funk today.

My brain literally feels foggy, part of the reason for writing this blog is an attempt to ground myself. The hours just tick by like minutes and I'm sat wondering how the hell time has gone so fast and what I've done. I feel like I'm greyed out. The best analogy I can think of is when you're working on a computer and inexplicably it just freezes. The screens still on, there's processes running in the background but other than that it's unresponsive and static.

This is just how I'm experiencing dissociation right now, in the past I've gone through other experiences.

I hope this passes soon, the fuzz in my head is horrible.

Friday, 10 March 2017

Who is this chick Sombra?


Here's the basics:
I'm Gemma, aka Sombra. I'm 26. My interests change a lot, but I have a few true loves including Pokemon, video games, clothes and cosmetics.

My interests become obsessions, to the point i can't stop thinking about them, talking about them and writing about them. This blog is designed for me to spend that energy and spread my thoughts on whatever subject is in my head at the time.

Currently my obsessions are:
Cosmetics - Cruelty free brands only, I'm attracted to all the colours, the glitter and the amazing things people do with makeup. Makeup is so fun, I would never ever condone promoting makeup to hide yourself, but instead to have fun with and experiment.

Fashion - Particularly J Fashion.

Pokemon - My one true love, an obsession that started in 1999 and although quietened down throughout most of my teenagehood it made a comeback in 2014.

The other thing on my mind most of the time is not so fun and frankly the epitome of all things dark and wrong. My mental illness. I'm diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, a mental illness that is forever chronic and unending. To be honest I'm in a pretty good mood at this moment in time so I don't really want to bum myself out talking about it right now, but I know full well when the puppet strings are being pulled by my illness I will have a lot to say about it.

I'm a mom, and a cat mom. Parenthood with a mental illness brings new challenges every day. My cat is so freaking fluffy.

I want to use this blog as a way to contribute something to the world where i normally wouldn't be able to. As a byproduct of my illness, i have severe anxiety and don't communicate well in person. I hope to share my thoughts, review various things in a way that makes sense to me (honestly i read some reviews and my brain starts spinning) and connect with a world i struggle to make sense of.

Borderline. Cat Mom. Human. Sombra.

Stay Kawaii!